Look, I don’t really give a f**k one way or the other but when the question begs an answer I guess it’s got a lot to do with the pride I feel about not ever having been fooled by the monarchy thing.

God save the Queen? What for, man? At school I sat down when they played the anthem.

Did you know that the Queen owns all the whales, dolphins, porpoises and sturgeons in the waters around the UK? That she has sat for 139 official portraits, opened 15 bridges, launched 23 ships and sent her first e-mail in 1976?

And were you aware that buried somewhere on the moon is a microfilmed message from the Queen addressed to any alien life forms who might come across it?

When Dennis Gear, born on the same day as the illustrious lady, went into Borocourt asylum at 16 because he was “unruly” they gave him a pair of wooden clogs, a tin plate, a mug and a spoon.

They didn’t have TV or radio so in the evening he and the other inmates would play games.

“For supper we had cocoa and rock cake,” Dennis told me. “In the afternoons we had a big dinner that was served through the hatch.”

Dennis ran away once but “a policeman caught me and brought me back.”

He was released from the hospital in 1984 having spent 40 years of his life there.

F**k the Queen; God save Dennis Gear. And don’t ever call me English.

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