Archive for December, 2006


So, I’m talking to God. I’ve been working all night on this serial-killer story and I start drinking black vodka at 10am. 

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” I tell him.

God shuffles his feet, adjusts his blanket, butters another slice of toast and replies in a perfectly reasonable tone:

“Tell me, son, without shame.” 

Well, of course, as you might imagine, I just fall apart and it all starts to flow:

“Oh, Father, I have opened my door to sentiment and hubris;

I have pimped and used the innocent and spoken ill of the dead;

I have insulted my friends and damned them as unworthy;

I have blasphemed and taken the word of Ford in vain;

I have cheated those to whom I owe tax and over-taxed those who owe tax to me;

I have pan-handled and swindled and hustled and wasted the fruits of my endeavours;

I have been unfaithful to my wife and blinded my eyes to her infidelities;

I have entertained wicked thoughts regarding my animals and have occasionally kicked the cat (affectionately);

I have no visible means of support and yet remain solvent in an arogantly upright and wickedly handsome manner;

I disrespect my natural talents and stubournly refuse to exploit them and…

last night I viewed an illegal copy of Borat ,that I didn’t even pay for, and fell asleep.

Oh, Father forgive me…”

And then I just collapse in a helpless heap and pray for a line of Coke, in tongues.

“Truly your sins are great, my son,” says God, “and so, therefore, must be your penance.”

“You mean?” I reply in horror.

“Yes. There is no other way. You must watch Borat again, and stay awake until the end credits!”

Too much! Too much!

I feel damned…

But by this time the bars are open, so I tell God to blow it out his ass.

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The separation of Church and State has been a fundamental principle of government since the Enlightenment. Why are we going backwards?

My regular readers will be aware of my views concerning religion; for the rest I’ll sum up: you believe what you wish, worship as you will but don’t use your God to influence my life. I’m not interested. I believe in God — any God — in the same way that I believe in the Tooth-Fairy, Santa Clause and the existence of true democracy: it’s a nice idea but, let’s be real, huh?

The fact is, however, that your beliefs do affect my life. I’m increasingly being told that I live in a Christian country. More and more, the Church extends its influence into politics. My children are fed fairy-stories and are encouraged to consume them as facts.

I’m pissed at that because I don’t want to live in a country whose ethics are determined by the supernatural. I want to live in a secular society where moral and ethical choices are made with the end in mind of achieving best consequences.

If you’re a “moderate” Christian or an atheist, an agnostic or a “just don’t give a damn” you should watch the following clips and be very afraid. They’re from a documentary called Jesus Camp about an evangelical summer camp in the US where Pastor Becky Fisher indoctrinates children using methods that pretty much constitute child abuse.

AND, HEY, GUESS WHAT — IT IS ‘NO LONGER AVAILABLE’!

Diana Krall: “A case of you” video

Some stellar but spare piano playing and a fantastic vocal performance on Joni Mitchell’s great song. Here’s to you Mrs Costello. She gave birth to twins on December 6. Congrats.

Why am I proud not to be English?

Look, I don’t really give a f**k one way or the other but when the question begs an answer I guess it’s got a lot to do with the pride I feel about not ever having been fooled by the monarchy thing.

God save the Queen? What for, man? At school I sat down when they played the anthem.

Did you know that the Queen owns all the whales, dolphins, porpoises and sturgeons in the waters around the UK? That she has sat for 139 official portraits, opened 15 bridges, launched 23 ships and sent her first e-mail in 1976?

And were you aware that buried somewhere on the moon is a microfilmed message from the Queen addressed to any alien life forms who might come across it?

When Dennis Gear, born on the same day as the illustrious lady, went into Borocourt asylum at 16 because he was “unruly” they gave him a pair of wooden clogs, a tin plate, a mug and a spoon.

They didn’t have TV or radio so in the evening he and the other inmates would play games.

“For supper we had cocoa and rock cake,” Dennis told me. “In the afternoons we had a big dinner that was served through the hatch.”

Dennis ran away once but “a policeman caught me and brought me back.”

He was released from the hospital in 1984 having spent 40 years of his life there.

F**k the Queen; God save Dennis Gear. And don’t ever call me English.

Some time back, in a comment on someone else’s blog, I suggested a semi-tongue-in-cheek but arguably useful alternative to voting in an American election: “…revolution, possibly beginning with an assassination…”

I mentioned no names, of course, but it didn’t take much working out.

Because the comment could have been construed as incitement to commit an act of terrorism, and because everyone knows that the CIA monitor the web, it was removed.

Are they watching UK television too?

Take note of the phrase: and any leader who is oppressing the people.

So, it’s a lazy Tuesday and I haven’t chased a dragon in ten years. The bastards don’t even flirt with me anymore.

Anyway, gets to noon and I can feel them beneath my skin — even after all this time you don’t forget.

So I take a cab, walk up the hill and buy a parrot.

Then it’s a lazy Wednesday.

I take a cab, walk up that hill and buy a parrot…

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